Bar C Publishing and Distribution.

My appologies, the site has been down for a few hours, which for me turned into a few days. I hope the wait was worth it.

Past Future

Though we love our house, it is an old house and at some time in the not too distant future we will either have to manage a major remodeling, or knock down the house and rebuild. Either way old memories will be injured in the process.

So, this weekend I tried to get ahead of the pain. I redecorated Matt’s bedroom, the baby blue walls with the cabin, lake, deer border had become too sad. Matthew, our son if he had lived, would now be thirteen.

My parents are coming to stay for and extended visit (2 months.) it was the catalyst I needed. I cleaned out closets and a chest of draws. Something’s I kept, others I washed and will donate to the Salvation Army. (I couldn’t fold the clothes.) A little I burned, I couldn’t throw anything away.

Then I painted and covered the soft blue walls. I’ll be honest it was difficult; until I realized Matt’s room should never have stayed as it was had he lived. I’m sure by now had he lived to thirteen, he would be clamoring for a more age appropriate room. And being the parent I am/was, I hope I would have fulfilled his wishes. Even so Matthew didn’t live and I am decorating despite him not actually being here.

One wall, the one opposite the window, is an “Antique White,” so it will reflect the light somewhat and make the room brighter. The other three walls are “Lampshade,” which is one shade darker than the “Antique White.” The “Lampshade” has an earth/sand texture as well, which I like very much and it is a nice contrast to the other wall.

As I couldn’t find a boarder I liked, a relative at a recent family gathering suggested a wooden boarder with all the cattle brands branded on it. I thought this was a great idea and have rounded up all the old branding irons and intend to brand a 6 inch wood plank, varnish it and then place it around two of the walls.

I purchased a masculine, earth toned, multi textured bedspread and will have Matthew’s initials embroidered across a corner. In addition, I have thought about spelling out his name in rope, on a wooden board and hanging that on the wall next to a Bier Stat landscape print I bought and had framed.

How does this help with home demolishment or home renovations, I hear you ask? Firstly, I don’t have to walk away from that little baby blue room. Secondly, history cannot be undone or covered over, not even with three coats of paint. More importantly, a portion of the newly decorated wall, with the baby blue exposed along with the cabin boarder, will be cut out and removed if/when we build a new house. That piece of the old wall, in the old house, will be moved along with all the old memories associated with it, into whatever kind of new house we eventually decide upon.

This may not make sense to anyone but me, my husband thinks we are decorating because my parents are coming. I choose not to enlighten him as to the real reason why.

I just know, I need to prepare myself for the separation of yet another physical item which keeps me connected to my son. It has been nine years since Matt passed away. I still remember the weight of him in my arms, the smell of his freshly washed hair, his long eye lashes and big brown eye's. Now I have to imagine the teenager acting up and testing boundaries, as his Dad and I surely did.

Today I choose to look towards a future which should have held promise, even though the past has denied the actuality. I can still dream of all that could have been and at least decorate in reality. By relocating the bedroom wall, I will continue to find ways which ensue there is always room in my house, in the future, from the past.

My name is Deborah Collins, aka Emily Richardson. I publish and promote life skills true worth and the value of self. Remember hope; to have hope means to believe in something when there is no reason left to believe in anything.

For more information please visit www.barcpublishing.com