Bar C Publishing and Distribution.

The recession has wrought havoc throughout the whole country. A recent incident caused no doubt by the sad state of the economy, brought this crisis to our neighborhood, which has affected many of us in different ways.

For me ideas resurfaced which I had previously (or so I thought) dealt with or ignored as best I could. Thoughts which were always just that, thoughts!

My husband and I would occasionally visit a nice restaurant not too far from where we live for a great steak. The steak was good and comfortably priced. We were always welcomed with a big smile from the young manager and promptly seated and served. There were never many customers eating when we were there, the car park may have one or two vehicles in it when we would drive on by and we could see the writing on the wall. The restaurant couldn’t hold on for the summer crowd and closed a few weeks ago, we were saddened yet it had seemed inevitable. A few days ago a work colleague told me the smiling faced young manageress who greeted us had committed suicide.

I was shocked and so very saddened. For whatever the reason, be it the restaurant or not, this sweet, smiling young woman with her whole life ahead of her was so unhappy, that death somehow seemed preferable to present day life.

I told my husband the news. He made the comment that he thought there was a flaw in her plan. I was totally surprised! Where was the sympathy? Where was the compassion? He didn’t get it, he just didn’t understand. We are a long time married couple, whose marriage and relationship survived and beat the odds when life threw it’s worst at us (The death of our only child.) and now I discover my, acting, that everything was okay, when in reality it couldn’t have got much worse, had been so good that the man who loved and cherished me and still does, had not seen how close I had been to ending the pain once and for all! I was amazed! I voiced my surprise to him.

“Well, have you ever thought about suicide?” He asked confident or so he thought in my reply.

I chose to put into words what had until then only been silent, secret and very private thoughts.

“Yes I have.” I said.

The familiar feeling of almost intolerable pain and emotional suffering the loss of a child can have upon your physical body, came rushing back with brutal force.

“So why didn’t you?” He asked gently.

I was lucky enough to have several reasons; the first was that I knew I couldn’t cause my parents the same kind of grief I was suffering. Children are not supposed to die before their parent’s; it is not the natural order. There was no way I could inflict the pain I was suffering upon them, no way.

The second reason was that just because I felt hopeless today it didn’t mean I would feel hopeless tomorrow. If I committed suicide, I wouldn’t be around to see how I would feel tomorrow.

Thirdly, I had enough of what I call, life experience, behind me to know that this physical and emotional turmoil would probably, hopefully pass. As bad as I felt now I knew the feeling was unsustainable. Sooner or later my body and my mind would grow tired of the negative thoughts and with hope, numbness may set in and eventually exhaust it’s-self, then no thoughts are possible not even of suicide, until that too eventually fades.

The fact that someone as close to me as my husband, who loves and cares for me like no other didn’t get it, finally made me realize how convincing I had been when I acted as if everything was okay, when in truth I was close to embarking into the unknown. I don’t condone suicide, I don’t condemn, but I do truly understand the thoughts and reasoning behind those who feel they have to act.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families suffering from suicide. Suicide is rarely spoken about, a taboo subject. Please do not ignore those whom seem to be coping, often we hide beneath a veil of normalcy which couldn’t be further from the truth. The calm outward silence of some can conceal a deafening scream within.

Emily Richardson.

If I help only one, it is enough.

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