Bar C Publishing and Distribution.

As parents how many times have we come to our children’s defense? I’m sure you didn’t count as I didn’t yet the answer is the same. As many times as was necessary and we would do it all over again.

Whether we are fighting a disease of known origin or circumstance a loved one finds themselves in, as parents our first and only instinct is to protect. To protect you must use your voice, when it comes to protecting others my opinion is often outspoken and I will readily come to the aid of any underdog, it is a part of who I am. But when it comes to defending or standing up for me, my voice is uncharacteristically silent and absent. I hesitate to speak openly almost as if I am undeserving of defense of any kind. Why I will not do for myself, as I have done many times for others, I do not know.

My voice has been silent upon an issue which had been making a small part of my life very stressful. I also suffer from Eczema and though I seem to have the rash under control most of the time flare ups do occur when life becomes unsettled for prolonged periods.

I did my best to evade an issue, I tried to be perfect. IMPOSSIBLE. Finally I became annoyed and angry at myself for allowing the situation to continue until my body reacted as my voice was paralyzed.

Six months before my son died I developed Eczema (13 years ago.) I could see the future and it was bleak. Then, I likened Eczema to my body crying when I could not. Eczema for me is having rashes and sores develop on my feet legs and sides. The skin would blister, and then weep a never ending supply of clear fluid, my body grieved when I could not.

So when a sore recently opened on my hand and began to weep, I knew the situation as uncomfortable as it was had to change. I had to use my voice for me. Things came to a head, all my frustrations were voiced and my feelings were aired. I felt the situation couldn’t get much worse so it could only get better, right? Right! Apologies were made, behavior was modified and things have changed a lot for the better.

It was so very difficult for me to use my voice, for me. That same voice which had defended counseled and supported on numerous occasions, but always for others. Outwardly I am not a shy person-inwardly I have my insecurities just like everyone else. When those insecurities work against us the time will come when you must put these insecurities to the side, put yourself first and know you do deserve and you are worthy, have respect for YOU. Use your voice; make a change be it for the better or the worse. The freedom of voicing your feelings will liberate your mind body and soul from the silent weeping within.

There are many circumstances which we cannot control, what we can control is how we respond to these circumstances. By not responding we are making a conscious decision, making a choice. Finally I chose to use my voice for myself, it wasn’t easy, if another occasion arises I will speak out, I hope I have learned not to wait for my body to react on my behalf before my voice does.

A week later the angry red flesh on my hand is calming, the weeping has stopped and my wound slowly heals as I continue to heal and learn more about myself. Healing takes time and goes far deeper than that which we see.

To have hope, means believing in something when there is no reason left to believe in anything. I had hope, when I spoke out for myself and this time I was right. Occasionally you will find, if you are patient that not only are you right, but that you will be all-right in the end.

By taking care of ourselves we can then take better care of others, sometimes speaking up for ourselves is not a selfish act but a wholly necessary one, in order to protect, preserve and respect the true value of self. Old as we may be, if our parents or loved ones knew of our struggles, they would fight no less for us, than we should for our selves.

If you recognize, know and understand nothing, from me know THAT!

Emily Richardson

aka Deborah Collins

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